“I am a Psalm,” I hear. It is apt.

We are at the launch of Yeo Whee Jim’s book of poems, Itinerary, in the Old Arts House. The capacious room in the historic building is packed with over 200 well wishers, and standing-room-only for latecomers.

Whee Jim, 50, in his wheelchair, can hardly be seen as he reads a bright poem recalling a childhood plucking ang moh dan (rambutans) at his grandmother’s home in Ang Sar Lee (Serangoon Gardens).

I am a son, a father and now an unlikely poet, he modestly describes himself to his audience of former colleagues, classmates from as far back as secondary school, friends old and acquaintances new.

He is also a Christian. And every mention of his faith, no matter how light, is poignant for one reason – Whee Jim is a striking Psalm in his frank grief, tragic loss and, most of all, his unshakable hope.

Growing up in Ang Sar Lee

Whee Jim’s CV is impressive: More than 20 years in the civil service including as Director of the Public Service Commission Secretariat in the Prime Minister’s Office and Institute Director of Governance and Policy at the Civil Service College.

His prowess in strategic planning, public policy issues and human resource development, among other skills, won him the Lien Ying Chow Fellowship 2019 for outstanding senior government officials.

This shining success was hard earned.

His father, the sole breadwinner, was a camera repairman; his mother a housewife.

Together with his brother and parents, young Whee Jim lived with his grandparents in Serangoon Gardens. Teochew aunts and cousins visited often to jiak png (eat rice) around a dining table steaming with assam fish curry and bak kut teh.

It was a modest but lively childhood with “lots of meals and big family gatherings”, recalls Whee Jim. His aunts would sneak money into his pockets and pile him with hand-me-down clothes because “on hindsight, they knew that we were not as well-to-do as the others”.

“There was love shown, not in words, but in food, care and concern,” he recalls.

Still, he was acutely aware that his family “had less than others”.

“Growing up, I was very clear that I didn’t want to be poor,” he tells Salt&Light. “There was no resentment. But I wanted to be able to afford things and adventures like my cousins.”

So he threw himself down the only Singaporean route he knew: Excelling in his studies in Raffles Institution, receiving a scholarship to study Mechanical Engineering in Osaka University, earning a Master’s in Business Administration from the BI Norwegian School of Management, and landing plum government jobs.

He admits his driving force was fear: “Fear of not being able to do well, fear of failing, fear of not being able to keep up. This fear led to competitiveness.”

With multiple material achievements in his back pocket, it seemed like he was in control of life, happiness, success.

Until he was not.

Faith and loss

While in Japan to pursue an undergraduate scholarship in Mechanical Engineering, Whee Jim met his future wife, Hui Lok Yan, in a Tokyo language school. Lok Yan was from Hong Kong and her reflective nature and adventurous spirit matched his own.

He was studying in Osaka University while she was in Tokyo University, and they bonded over the demands of university.

When they decided to get married eight years later, Lok Yan made the choice to relocate to Singapore, where Whee Jim’s career was thriving and where they could care for his ageing parents.

Whee Jim, Lok Yan and their daughter, Min, had six precious years together as a family before Lok Yan passed away from cancer.

It was Lok Yan, a Christian, who introduced Whee Jim to church. Enveloped by the warm church community and tutored by the pulpit, he began to comprehend the biblical foundation that gave his wife the stability and strength that described her character.

Together with their baby daughter, the young couple enjoyed a comfortable life with all the enthusiasm of young parenthood.

But in 2007 when their daughter turned one, the course of family life took an unexpected turn.

Lok Yan was still in her early 30s when she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.

Precious memories in Maldives.

“On days when she didn’t have chemo and was rested, she was pretty normal,” remembers Whee Jim.

“We had happy days as a small family unit. She wanted to go to Maldives; we went twice. We visited Hong Kong more regularly and spent time in Singapore just going out together as a family, raising our daughter.

“So at least we had those happy years together.”

Min was seven when Lok Yan passed away.

The diagnosis

As the young family sought to regain their footing, Whee Jim threw himself into work.

Retiring from civil service in 2020, he launched his own corporate training consultancy in 2021 in the midst of COVID. By late 2021, he had clinched a major deal with the Bhutanese government. The Omani and Vietnamese governments followed suit.

Father-daughter adventures when Whee Jim became a single parent.

“I found my niche and was having the time of my life,” says Whee Jim. “I could turn around tasks quickly – update my website, do the accounts, write the report, do the Powerpoint slides, and still have a life. My strengths were all developed in this role. It felt almost effortless.

“I was physically, emotionally and spiritually in a good place. My daughter was growing up and she looked like she was doing alright. We travelled together – when she was in Sec 1, we went to Kruger in South Africa and Botswana. Because she liked snowboarding, we went on a Japan ‘pilgrimage’ with her aunts.

“I went to the gym twice a day, did my swimming and walking, and still managed to serve in church in the children’s ministry and design the church newsletter. I remember thinking: Life feels close to perfect.”

Whee Jim (in sunglasses) working with the Bhutanese government.

But the euphoria would not last.

Towards the end of 2022, he experienced inexplicable muscle twitching and loss of control. Instead of building strength at the gym, he found himself handling less weight. In the pool, where he used to do 60 laps non-stop in under an hour, he could hardly make a lap.

When he was working in Oman, a microphone he was holding suddenly felt heavy. As he was taking food from the buffet table, he lost control of a bowl.

A medical check-up in January 2023 saw the polyclinic referring him to the National Neurological Institute, where he was diagnosed with ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), a disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord.

“My life changed forever.”

When the earth tilted

Whee Jim remembers thinking: “No lah, cannot be lah.”

But more tests and a second opinion confirmed the results. The neurologist pegged his life expectancy at two to five years.

“I was devastated. I was also very angry with God,” remembers Whee Jim. “He gave me a Level 100 kind of challenge. Things appeared to be going well for me – my business was picking up, I was energetic, I felt great, spiritually I thought I was in a good place.

“It just showed later on how weak my faith was.”

Now, two years after his diagnosis, Whee Jim needs physical help to lift a cup, go to the toilet, bathe and get up from his wheelchair. In bed, he needs a non-invasive ventilator.

“It is easier to count the limited things that I can do,” he says wryly.

Where once he used to serve fancy refreshments in church – Japanese chicken curry on a biscuit garnished with parsley (as a student he’d worked part-time at a Tokyo bakery) – he is now unable to navigate the kitchen. Where once he trained high-level government officials, he is now unable to project his voice. Where once he was a Scripture reader in church, he can no longer hold a Bible nor flip its pages.

“It has been a humbling journey of reframing, rethinking and re-prioritising,” he says frankly.

Making every day count

But, unexpectedly, the illness has ushered Whee Jim into a new ministry of encouraging others.

In the past year, he has written multiple columns for The Straits Times and CNA raising awareness for ALS and reflecting on legacy and mortality. He has even published two books – Itinerary (a book of original poems to raise funds for the Motor Neurone Disease Association Singapore) and Moving (a collection of his photographs and reflections to raise funds for The Business Times Budding Artists Fund).

Reading poems from his book, Itinerary, at the Singapore Poetry Festival 2024.

“God has been good. This has been a season of a lot of sharing and speaking engagements in churches, Alpha and CBD fellowship groups. Just last week my church asked me to share my thoughts about receiving pastoral care. I also managed to do a set of caregiver materials which I passed to my Assisi  Hospice counsellor, who said it was useful.

“I’m constantly amazed by how God has worked to make all these happen, the people he sends.

“I believe coincidence is God’s way of staying anonymous. A friend used my photos of Singapore and through her own connections used it to raise $15,000 for vulnerable and needy families.

“Another friend said, ‘Why don’t you write a book of poems?’ I looked at him, ‘You seow ah? I can’t even grip a pen or type!’ But he encouraged me to write about my spirituality because he knew that that was important to me. He took my five loaves and two fish and made Itinerary what it is.

“At the same time, I also think this last phase of life shouldn’t be driven by accomplishments. That would be missing the whole point. I try not to think of these projects as accomplishments, but more as milestones.”

A keener clarity of legacy saw him destroying his certificates, plaques and letters of appointment – accomplishments he once chased – because “even when I was able-bodied I cannot remember the last time people asked me to show them my certificates. What did all these accomplishments amount to?”

Instead of chasing accomplishments, he now builds relationships.

“I used to think of myself as an extreme introvert. Now it’s conversations, meet-ups with old friends and new ones who have reached out, chats that I have – these are what still give me joy and make life meaningful. 

“Receiving has become the norm whereas in the past I was very paiseh. I’ve never been so vulnerable in my entire life. It’s very humbling. If I were to total up what people have done for me in the two years since my diagnosis, it’s unbelievable.”

Longtime close friends took Whee Jim to Bali in 2023 a few weeks before he needed to use a wheelchair.

Fellow brothers- and sisters-in-Christ who continue to journey with the family.

This includes neighbours who drive him to church, an ex-boss who spoon-fed him, long-time close friends who took him to Bali, and friends who visit regularly.

The giving goes both ways.

“One of the unexpected ways in which I’m giving back is allowing myself to be vulnerable. To talk about my own fears, my own failings, my struggles. I think that has created a space for friends who come and visit to come into that space and share their own brokenness.

“It’s an important process of healing, and of knowing that you’re not alone in your struggles. We are all broken and struggling in our own ways. Listening to each other brings comfort. I pray I’ll continue to facilitate bridges.” 

Praying for a miracle, trusting in God

“One of my former colleagues painted a calligraphy on Lamentations 3:21-22: His steadfast love never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning.

“I have it next to my bed and that’s the verse I wake up to. It’s also the verse my Christian medical social worker gave me – it is my spiritual manna, my daily portion.”

He admits: “It encourages but it also hits hard.

“I wake up and say, ‘Okay! I’m ready for my miraculous healing! Is this the day? No, it’s not the day.”

Neighbours who look out for Whee Jim and take him to church.

So how does this square with Lamentations 3:21-22?

“I do struggle, sometimes slipping into self-pity. So when I share, it’s not about painting a positive picture. There are all these struggles that I have, the whole gamut of emotions.

“But yet, every single morning, I’m blessed to have a caregiver who is very sensitive to my needs, and not only that, she’s very sensitive to my emotions. She encourages me with a bright smile. She comes in with a song. She goes, ‘Hello, boss, good morning, how are you?’ And then I think to myself, ‘Is this not Lamentations 3:21 to 23?’

“One of my church pastors from Ang Mo Kio Presbyterian Church, Lee Wen Cong, reminded me – especially in my earlier phase of diagnosis – to not make this disease, my trials and tribulations, about myself, but to move God into the centre of focus.

“One verse that really resonates with me and depicts my struggles is Hebrews 11:1: ‘Faith is confidence in what we hope for and the assurance in what we cannot see.'”

He underscores this in an interview with Impact magazine: “I’ve learnt the incredible power of choice: The choice to move ahead, the choice to trust God to sort things out for me, the choice to accept the gift of unmerited grace. I’ve learnt that when I choose to lean on God to support me, I can deal with anything in life.” 

The one important message

If there’s one thing Whee Jim hopes to convey in all his sharing, it’s this: Mai tu liao (don’t hesitate).

“We always think we have one more decade, one more year to write that book, seek closure in a frayed relationship, return to church.

“Until two years ago, I thought I had lots of time left – this can be for another day. 

“But this season has reminded me that things can change really quickly, and not everyone has the luxury of a tomorrow, next week, next month, five years down the road. I’m five years away from my CPF withdrawal age. But five years is very, very far for me, and I’m probably not going to reach that unless God decides otherwise.

“So if anyone is thinking, ‘Should I do this? Should I do that?’ Perhaps one could do with less thinking and more action, because you never know when your time is up.

“And if you’re wondering: Is God for real? Mai tu liao. Find out for yourself.”

Itinerary can be bought at https://bit.ly/43WlfIO and Kinokuniya at $30 (before GST). Nett proceeds from the sales will be donated to the Motor Neurone Disease Association Singapore.

Moving: Yeo Whee Jim’s Photographs and Reflections can be bought here at $88. Proceeds go towards The Business Times Budding Artists Fund.

RELATED STORIES:

“God wants to use my life to serve others”: Born blind, yet she finds purpose in helping refugees

“If God wants to take you home, just go”: Parents told their baby after watching her endure procedure after painful procedure

“For every day the devil kept me in IMH, I vowed to bring one person to Christ.”

The post “Dying finally taught me about living”: Yeo Whee Jim was at the top of his game when life changed forever appeared first on Salt&Light.

She began getting flashbacks from the first nine years of her life. She would remember being caned while bathing, restrained in the darkness overnight, chased out of the house, and hit with a belt. 

Qi Qi around the age of one. The photo is among several childhood images she received after tracking down a member of the first family she lived with. They are the only photos she has of her growing up years.

Each time a memory surfaced, it threw her into an emotional tailspin of depression, grief, shame and regret. 

Qi Qi had told her husband about some of these traumatic events from her childhood during their dating days. But when these flashbacks came, she did not know how to tell him about them.

“I just asked for space to deal with them each time they came,” Qi Qi, now 35 and a primary school tutor, told Stories of Hope. She is married to Jeffrey Aw, now a pastor at Bethesda (Bedok-Tampines) Church.

“But it came to a point that I realised that it was affecting our marriage. As I did not want to talk about what was troubling me, we no longer communicated openly,” she said.

The suicidal thoughts that had plagued her during her teenage years also returned.

Looking for love in wrong places

When she was nine years old, Qi Qi was given away by the people she thought were her biological parents.

Life did not become easier.

Her new foster parents “had their own hurts and did not deal with me in a positive manner”.

Qi Qi when she was about age four.

The effects of feeling abandoned and rejected by both sets of caregivers affected Qi Qi’s school life. (Read her back story here.)

It also spilled over into her dating life, when she started looking for love in the wrong places.

The bullying that started in primary school got worse in secondary school when Qi Qi hung out with a girl who was “crude and used vulgarities”, and belonged to a gang.

Yearning to be “loved and accepted”, Qi Qi put up with the pressure from this girl to date a boy from the gang.

“He was actually quite a nice guy. But I just didn’t have any feelings for him.

“I wanted to fit into the social circle so I agreed to date him but throughout, I felt that it was wrong.”

When Qi Qi did well enough to get into the top class, a Christian classmate opened her eyes to what was happening.

“He told me, ‘You are a nice girl. Why do you put yourself in such a situation? You need to draw the line and step away from it’.”

“In a sudden fit of bravery, I broke up with the boy from the gang.

“The gangster girl was furious and dragged me to the canal behind school. She slapped me and said nasty stuff like, ‘No one will love you if you don’t want him’.

“She also turned my classmates against me.”

Later, Qi Qi got into another relationship for two years.

“Then I found out he was cheating on me by texting another girl. He turned violent when I wanted to break up with him … and the police were involved.”

When she finally broke free, she cried, thinking: “Everything is over. I have no family, no boyfriend. God, I’m tired, I’ve already come so far, how long more?”

Then she heard a voice say: “You want a new life? Come back to church.”

She believes it was the voice of God.

Qi Qi then told God: “I know You are real, but I need someone physical who can hold my hand and journey with me. I want to fall in love, I want a relationship.

“If I go back to church, would You give me a good guy who cares for me and who believes in Jesus?”

Laugh at first sight

On the very day that Qi Qi returned to church, she met an intriguing guy at a small group meeting. He was two years older than her.

It wasn’t love at first sight, claims Qi Qi, who was then 17.

“But every time he cracked a joke, I was the only girl laughing. The rest were immune to his jokes,” she said of Jeff, who was two years older.

Qi Qi when she was 17, and Jeff was 19.

Just as Qi Qi felt that Jeff was God’s answer to her prayer, the reverse was also true.

“I later found out that Jeff had asked God for a partner who lives near him — we lived a 10-minute walk apart — and would like him for who he is. And who would laugh at his jokes.”

Within a few weeks, he asked Qi Qi to be his girlfriend.

“I didn’t know whether to say ‘yes’,” Qi Qi admitted.

“But since I had made that agreement with God, I prayed, ‘If this is true, you wake me at 11.32pm’.” 

She then went to sleep that evening without setting the alarm clock.

“Jeff was grounded, humorous and brought me a lot of happiness,” said Qi Qi.

She woke up at exactly 11.32pm – two minutes after Jeff ended his shift as a part-time fast-food deliveryman.

“I called him to say ‘yes’. He wasn’t expecting me to reply so quickly!” she said.

They started dating. It happened so quickly that even their small group leaders at church were worried.

A year later, Jeff proposed to Qi Qi before he went to serve National Service (NS).

“It was very unromantic. We were driving in his dad’s car along Seletar. I was looking at the scenery when he said, ‘Would you marry me?’.

“I didn’t know he was proposing and said ‘Yes, of course!’ without even looking at him. Then I saw the ring, and I was shocked.”

The entire package

Qi Qi felt accepted and loved by Jeff’s parents.

Jeff and his family knew that she had a difficult childhood, but didn’t know the full extent and details of her pain.

“Jeff’s mum treated me like her own child.

“Every year, Jeff’s mum would cook eggs and noodles on my birthday,” said Qi Qi, pictured on her 18th birthday, with Jeff.

“She gave me an allowance when I went for exchange programmes, and paid for my medical bills when I was sick.

“I wanted to be part of his family. Not just Jeff as a person, but the entire package.”

“Jeff’s family helped me to know what family really is,” said Qi Qi, who was 22 when they tied the knot in 2010.

Qi Qi was overwhelmed by God’s provision. “I saw them as a gift from God. It was like He restored to me the family I didn’t have.

“I told God, ‘Wow, God, You provided me with a guy and a family.”

Sunday lifelines

But two years into their marriage, Qi Qi started getting flashbacks from her childhood.

“Each time one memory was unlocked, I would be in pain for a long time.

“Just when I thought I was better, another memory would surface. It would take months to process.

This ongoing cycle would last for 10 years.  

One Sunday morning, Qi Qi felt that she had exceeded her pain threshold “and could not bear it any longer”.

“Jeff was away at a work-related retreat, and I decided that I would go to church, say my goodbyes and then jump to my death.”

But to her surprise, people at church she hadn’t spoken much to hugged her and asked her how she was. None of them were aware of what she had been struggling with.

“God loves you a lot,” said one person.

“Hope you are good, see you next week,” said another.

Said Qi Qi. “I remember thinking that there wasn’t going to be a ‘next week’.” 

During the church service that day, Qi Qi broke down and cried out to God.

“I told God: ‘I know You love me. You sent people to tell me You love me.’ But there must be a way out.”

After the service, she felt a small voice inside her telling her to go to the front of the church to ask for prayer.

She obeyed.

The prayer seemed to help. She gave up her plans to kill herself that day. 

Qi Qi, Jeff and their elder daughter.

However, she would struggle to carry on even after their children were born.

Heart to heart

Over the years, Qi Qi realised she couldn’t keep “sweeping everything under carpet”, and told God: “God, You must do something for my marriage.”

After fasting for three days and praying, she felt God prompting her to plan a holiday with her husband.

As she did, things started falling into place. 

Out of the blue, her mother-in-law also called to offer to take care of the children if she and Jeff wanted to travel.

The Aws with their three daughters.

Furthermore, Jeff readily agreed to go, even though he didn’t enjoy travelling. 

She saw it as a confirmation that she had heard God correctly. 

“Even before the plane took off, we sat down at the airport and had a heart to heart talk for the first time. 

“Jeff urged me to open up to him, especially when I felt myself slipping into depression. He promised to support me through it,” she recalled.

Shortly after, they went for couples counselling. 

“It helped improve our communication. We also started to pray together regularly for each other and for our marriage.”

Jesus in the pit with her

Qi Qi also sought help from her pastors and mentors at church when the anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts came.

Someone who was praying for her saw a vision of the restraints that had been part of Qi Qi’s abusive childhood.

“This person said, ‘I think God wants to give you closure.’

“I doubted these words, as the restraints had been a painful part of my childhood.

Qi Qi’s mentors prayed for her and they taught her to invite Jesus into each painful memory from her childhood. 

“I saw Jesus sitting with me in the dark room where I was restrained; He was hugging me, and crying with me.

“I also felt Jesus climb into the pit of darkness and despair to be with me.

“I felt His love and companionship, and His presence brought light into every dark situation.

“My feelings of loneliness and pain began to leave me.”

Her mentors also taught her to spot the signs that she was spiralling into depression, and how to call on Jesus to help her “overcome the spirits of rejection and death” each time it happened.

“I tell God, ‘I surrender to You. I know I am a child of God, I know I am loved, I am favoured by You’,” she said.

The episodes that used to take her months to recover from are now gone in a day.

Jeffrey too, is also able to support her through the flashbacks and talk her out of moments of depression. 

Each time the flashbacks happened, Qi Qi found that she needed to forgive the people who had inflicted the pain on her.

“As much as I asked God for healing, I also had to ask Him to help me forgive those who had hurt me.

“It was an ongoing process that helped to free me from pain and fear, and have closure,” she said. 

In 2024, Qi Qi felt she had healed sufficiently to share her story.

Today, she is able to say: “If my original family wants to find me and acknowledge me as their own, I’d really welcome that.

“I’d want to know how they are doing, and if they are healthy, and if they are happy.

“I don’t know what I will say to them. But perhaps I will just hug them. 

“I forgave them a long time ago.

“I really hope they’ll get to know God.”

How can any pain be good?

Qi Qi used to ask herself and God: “How can all the pain and hurt I’ve been through amount to any good?”

She initially struggled with the Bible verse Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Qi Qi, Jeff and their daughters, who are now 4, 8 and 11.

Looking back, she realises that the darkness she has been through has helped her to be “more sensitive to the emotional hurts and needs of a child” – and have meaningful conversations with their own children, students whom God has put into her life, or young people she meets at church.

More than once, she’s been able to discern that a student has been struggling with suicidal thoughts.

“Together with Jeff, we were able to speak with their parents to help them,” she said. 

“They are a gift from God,” says Qi Qi of Jeff’s family.

Qi Qi also realised: “If I had not gone through those darkest days, I would never know Who God is, I would never be able to understand what it means to be saved.

“I will use my story of how God saved me from the pit of hell, death and darkness to tell others about Him.”

A version of this story first appeared on Stories of Hope.

RELATED STORIES: 

Unloved, bullied and given away, Qi Qi asked: “Would I have someone I can call Father?”

How a victim of childhood abuse found the healing to minister to others in Thailand

How a victim of childhood abuse found the healing to minister to others in Thailand

Trapped in a string of unhealthy and abusive relationships, this single mother finally broke free

The post She found love at last, but would flashbacks from her traumatic childhood destroy her marriage? appeared first on Salt&Light.

It was late 2021 and pandemic-related movement restrictions had eased slightly.

After being cooped up at home, Victor took a stroll down Petaling Street, Kuala Lumpur (KL), longing for some fresh air and a change of scenery.

He was also excited at the prospect of meeting Cyndi Yong, founder of community organisation Petaling Street Community Care (PSCC) whose work with the homeless and underprivileged had been covered by local media.

He had been in touch with her via the phone to invite her to speak at a local community event, but they had never met.

That day, he was transporting food packs from a donor in his area to KL for Cyndi to distribute.

“I was walking around when she came over to give me a pack of food, thinking I was living on the streets,” Victor said with a smile.

“My first thought was, “Oh, what a kind soul.”

Cyndi, on the other hand, was hardly impressed by Victor.

“I remember thinking he was stuck-up and unfriendly. At the back of my mind, I thought I would not want to meet him again,” she recounted with a laugh.

Eyes opened to the poor

Known as Mummy Cyndi to the homeless community in KL, Cyndi was once a VIP tourist guide for international visitors.

But when the pandemic struck, the single mother was left without an income. For a time, she and her daughter, Latreia, had to queue up for food aid.

In her need, God opened her eyes to the poor living in Petaling Street: Ex-prisoners, drug addicts and the homeless, many elderly and frail.

She was spurred to start PSCC, through which she raises contributions and collects food donations and personal necessities to be distributed in areas around KL where the shunned and poor often gather.

“I wasn’t thinking about romance or finding a life partner at the time,” said Cyndi, whose abusive ex-husband left her and Latreia nine years ago.

Though a relationship had not been on her mind then, deep down she was sure that her singlehood would eventually end. “In 2018, the Lord told me, ‘I have prepared a Boaz for you’,” she said.

Every now and then, she would remember the word and wonder who, when and how.

Sparks, but silence

After they met, Victor wanted to get to know Cyndi more, especially after discovering she was single like him.

He also shared a similar desire to help the less fortunate. Throughout the pandemic, he would help to salvage or fix broken household electrical items, and pass them on to families in need.

The couple on one of their food runs, distributing cooked food packs to the homeless and sharing a word of encouragement and hope.

To keep things casual, Victor invited Cyndi out for meals at places like the mamak or hawker centres. Almost always, he asked because he was “in her area”.

Cyndi said: “I truly didn’t suspect anything! Once, I did try to find out if he was a Christian by asking him what he does on Sundays (to see if he goes to church), but he thought I was asking about his hobbies.”

After she discovered that he was indeed a believer, their friendship blossomed over shared meals and similar interests.

But as he said nothing about their relationship, she too kept silent.

Winning the hearts of three women

For three years, Victor showed up more and more frequently, trying to get to know Cyndi better.

He was regularly volunteering for food distribution and logistical support. His skills as an electrician and handyman were also useful to PSCC.

On a personal level, they were growing closer.

Unable to deny reality any longer, Cyndi needed to know what his intentions were. In January 2024, she asked him: “Are you looking for a fling?”

Victor said he was not so young that he would look for a fling. He wanted something serious.

“I then said, ‘If you’re being serious with me, are you willing for me to take you to meet my mother?'” Cyndi said.

Victor readily agreed, much to her surprise.

“I had to win over three women (Cyndi, Latreia and her mother) for this to work out,” he said with a grin.

A near-death experience

Victor had been open to the relationship because some years ago, he had received a prophecy.

“I was in church and the visiting pastor released a word that I would bear much fruit in my later years,” he shared.

After three years of getting to know one another, Cyndi and Victor decided to start courting in 2024.

At the time, he was past 50 and did not know what that meant.

But this word saved his life in 2013.

“I was hiking Bukit Tabur in KL and standing near the edge. The earth beneath me gave way and I felt myself sliding down the face of the cliff. It was about five to six storeys down and I thought, this is the end,” Victor said.

Suddenly, he remembered the prophecy and realised that God was not done with him yet.

Awakened from his reverie, he saw a protruding tree root and grabbed onto it. It saved his life.

Quiet by nature, Victor enjoys helping others away from the limelight.

Since then, Victor has become more aware of God’s plan for his life.

“I’m a great believer that if God has destined something for you, things will move easily. And when I got to know Cyndi better, it felt like that,” said Victor, now 62.

Making a commitment for life

After officially becoming a couple in January this year, things moved quickly.

In February, the couple, along with Latreia, went on a four-day mission trip to Cameron Highlands to visit indigenous communities with food and necessities.

Along the way, their car got into a severe head-on collision with another vehicle. Their car was written off, yet Victor emerged with only a few bruises and scratches.

Cyndi, on the other hand, suffered whiplash in her abdominal area and excruciating pain in her back and neck.

“I thought I was paralysed, but thankfully it was nothing permanent. The fact that the three of us are alive proves that God’s hand is upon us,” Cyndi said.

The near-death incident also made the couple think about taking their relationship a step further.

On July 7, Victor and Cyndi exchanged vows surrounded by 150 family members, friends, church leaders, ministry partners and PSCC volunteers.

The couple chose the specific date because the Lord had revealed to Cyndi that He would join them as one on July 7.

The number 7 is also significant to her.

“It means perfection. My birthday, IC number and many other numbers in my life all add up to 7, and even our wedding date is God’s reminder that He makes things perfect,” she said.

Better together, stronger for His glory

Through their partnership, Victor and Cyndi believe God is equipping them for more ministry.

They spent the first weekend of married life attending a seminar on spiritual gifts and evangelism.

From strangers on KL’s streets to partners in life and ministry, Cyndi and Victor are excited at what God has in store for them.

Now, they are praying for God’s provision of a motor home (caravan) to bring the gospel to Chinese-speaking villages in Malaysia.

“I’m still workshopping the name, but ‘Good News on Wheels’ sounds good. These villages are filled with lonely, elderly people. Many are caring for their grandchildren while their children work in the bigger cities,” Cyndi explained.

She is also aware of her spiritual gift as “God’s television and radio”, and hopes that her speaking ministry will continue to grow as she delivers God’s revelation to His people.

As a family, Cyndi, Victor and Latreia have formed close bonds and enjoy doing life together.

For Victor, who has a quiet disposition and avoids the limelight, he is happy to provide back-end support and be an encourager on a personal level.

“I’m not really good with people, but I’m willing to learn. As God told Cyndi, it’s a move from repairing things to repairing lives,” he said with excitement.

“My heart is more settled now,” Cyndi added.

“More than 20 years ago, God told me that He will take me places around the world for His work. He said, ‘You will not be alone. Someone will be with you, doing the technical stuff (because He knows I can’t). And He kept His word.'”

RELATED STORIES:

“The first time we held hands was after we got engaged”: Deputy Minister Hannah Yeoh’s love story

Buying a flat is now easier for singles, but what about finding a home in church?

Trapped in a string of unhealthy and abusive relationships, this single mother finally broke free

The post “God makes things perfect”: Abandoned by her abusive ex-husband, this single mum met her life partner when she least expected it appeared first on Salt&Light.

The married couple had found joy in cycling amid the pandemic and often went riding around the neighbourhood.

“It was a chill ride that day and Josh asked me, ‘Can I show you a stunt I learned?’ I wasn’t too keen,” recalled Sulyn.

But seeing how excited he was, she could not bring herself to say no.

He cycled ahead and attempted the stunt, but it didn’t go well. Josh fell hard and hit his head on the road.

“I remember blood coming out of his ears. There was blood everywhere. We rushed him to the hospital, but it didn’t look good,” she said.

Her greatest nightmare

In the emergency room, Josh was barely conscious.

He needed emergency surgery, but there was a chance he would not survive the operation.

If he did, he would likely be in a vegetative state. But if Sulyn did not choose surgery, she would lose him that day.

“We nearly lost him on the table, but he pulled through and was moved into the ICU. He never regained consciousness again. As the days went by, his organs started failing,” she said.

Nine days after the accident, Josh passed away on June 8, 2021.

He was 33.

Wrestling with God’s will

Josh and Sulyn had met in Malaysia in 2012 while serving in their church’s worship ministry.

Josh, a programmer and then business coach from the Philippines, and Sulyn, a music teacher, gradually began to know each other better in 2015.

“I found out that he’d always had a crush on me but didn’t know what to do about it,” Sulyn recalled with a smile.

In 2017, the couple got married. For almost four years, they enjoyed a blissful married life.

Josh and Sulyn got hitched in 2017 after having met in church. The song ‘Not Goodbye’, says Sulyn, was her way of honouring Josh and the love they shared.

Josh had a warm personality and loved people. Wherever he went, people loved him back.

So, when news spread that he was fighting for his life, their community and families rallied around them.

“It was a crazy nine days. My stress level was high as family members were looking to me to make decisions,” she said.

When he passed away, guilt and “what-if”s flooded in.

Sulyn replayed the fateful day, thinking: “If only I’d said no. If only we didn’t go cycling.”

It felt as if a piece of her had been ripped out of her chest, she recalled.

“We had prayed very hard for Josh to wake up. But he didn’t, and that was hard to take because we’re told that God is a God who heals,” she said.

“We were wrestling between what we desired and God’s will for Josh’s life.”

Jesus loved and suffered for us first

In the days and weeks that followed, Sulyn experienced a whirlwind of anger and confusion. Yet, she also felt God’s presence surrounding her, tender and gentle.

In her deepest pain, she found that God drew near.

“I grew really close to God. At times, it felt like He was all I had. I knew it before in my head, but this experience helped me realise that He is very kind and good,” she said.

She has never blamed God for the loss. It’s unreasonable, she says, to expect life to be problem-free in a fallen world.

“Jesus suffered so much for us on the Cross, so how can I expect a life free of suffering? Instead, God promises to carry us through. I know the Gospel is real, and I love Jesus because He first loved me,” she said.

Yet, while she knew God’s love was real, her grief was real too.

Letting go through music

From a young age, Sulyn knew that God had wired her for worship. She has written about 20 to 30 songs, though most remain tucked away in her journal.

Last year, she felt a nudge to process her grief through song.

“What really prompted me to write was that I was exploring dating again. I found it difficult to embrace new experiences and soon realised I didn’t have space inside me. I was Josh’s widow (rather than my own person),” she said.

From a young age, God had wired Sulyn for worship, and it was through songwriting that her grief first began to lift.

As music and lyrics flowed from her heart, she completed ‘Not Goodbye’ within a few months. The single was released by Wondersigns in July 2024.

In the chorus, she sings:

I’ve got to let go, but it doesn’t mean you’re gone
I’m just trying to move along 
Trying to make room for more
I’ve got to let go, but it doesn’t mean you don’t live on inside 
It’s not goodbye

“I wanted to honour Josh, who he was, and the love we shared,” Sulyn explained. 

It was during the writing of ‘Not Goodbye’ that her journey of letting go began.

Relearning who she is

Soon after, she felt prompted to go for therapy.

“I wanted to have more capacity for people, but I was in a terrible state,” she said. “Although I had done a lot of work on myself, I was still struggling to relate to others with freedom and ease.”

As part of Wondersigns, the worship ministry of Every Nation Petaling Jaya, Sulyn equips and trains worship ministries across the wider Malaysian Church.

Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and the process is anything but linear, she added.

Sometimes, Christians offer platitudes like, “He’s in a better place now,” or “You shouldn’t be sad; you should rejoice because he’s in heaven.”

“While some of these words are well-intentioned, they can be unhelpful,” Sulyn admitted.

After her therapist diagnosed her with depression, Sulyn realised she needed to break unhealthy patterns she had.

“I was always happy to go with the flow. For years, I lived in Josh’s shadow, and now I’m almost having to relearn who I am — what I like and don’t like,” she reflected.

One of Sulyn’s regrets is that she did not live more in the moment when Josh was still around. She often felt anxious about the future, trying to maintain a sense of control.

Since his passing, however, she has learned to accept that she cannot control everything.

In God’s presence, there is healing

It’s been over three years since the accident, and throughout this time, God has provided her with a strong support system.

A friend from church moved in with her for two months after the funeral to help her adjust, while others brought meals and offered practical assistance.

She also attended a grief recovery support group.

Today, she is doing better, she says. She enjoys restful nights, good meals and leisurely walks. She also finds fulfilment in singing, playing and leading worship.

“Spending time in worship draws you into God’s presence, and you always come away with some degree of restoration or healing. His presence gives life,” she said.

She continues to freelance as a music teacher but spends most of her time with Wondersigns, producing songs and equipping worship leaders for the wider Church.

Turning the page to a new chapter

A verse Sulyn often reflects on is Romans 8:28.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

“We know that some experiences in life are undeniably bad, but God can use them for our good, to make us more like Christ,” she said.

In August, Sulyn began a new relationship with Aaron, a fellow member of her church who also knew Josh. “I feel like Aaron is a gift from God. When he first reached out, I was in terrible shape due to my depression, but he accepted me as I am,” she shared.

She finds comfort in knowing that separation from Josh is temporary because of Jesus.

“I’m so grateful for the Gospel and the promise of being reunited with our loved ones. Without it, I don’t know how I’d cope,” she said.

“The Gospel is filled with hope,” she added. So no matter how chaotic life becomes, Sulyn remains assured that the ending is good.

RELATED STORIES:

“I am moved by the tears of your wife. I will heal you,” Jesus told this dying man

She went “from everything to nothing”, but God turned this widow’s mourning into dancing

“My soul was shattered”: A widower’s journey of grief, strength and hope

The post Suddenly widowed at 35, she found solace in God and songwriting appeared first on Salt&Light.

No, they have never taken such a picture. What is even more baffling is that they have not been in a situation where an image of that sort could have been captured.

Far-fetched? Not really.

Just recently, a group of female students from the Singapore Sports School found themselves in a similar predicament. 

Much to their horror, they realised they had become victims of deepfake pornography, created and shared by other students.

This was one of the cases mentioned at Pornography: The New Drug?, a symposium that was co-organised by Indigo & Co. and Lakeside Family Services on November 22.

How porn can lead to sexual offences 

Giving the opening address, Dr Majeed Khader, Chief Psychologist, Ministry of Home Affairs, shared about the concerns stemming from the rise of youth sexual crimes, as well as the challenges posed by emerging technologies such as artificial intelligence (AI). 

While youth sexual offending is a complex issue that is influenced by various factors, one of them is the early and repeated exposure to sexually explicit materials.

Research shows that there are consequences to such exposure in youths.

These include inappropriate and inaccurate information about sex, greater acceptance of objectification of women, aggressive behaviours and sexual violence in relationships.

“It doesn’t always lead to sexual offending… but escalation to sexual offending can happen,” clarified Dr Majeed.

For instance, when youths are frequently exposed to sexual violence in pornography, they may start to form damaging sexual beliefs.

Dr Majeed explained: “For example, youths may think that women saying ‘no’ – is that being shy? Or will they say ‘no’ first then enjoy the sex?

“So there are all these negative, inaccurate scripts that young people may be influenced by.”

Dr Majeed Khader, Chief Psychologist, Ministry of Home Affairs, focused on online sexual harms and youth sexual offending in his presentation. All symposium photos courtesy of Indigo & Co.

The exposure may distort their understanding of boundaries between sex and sexual violence, and may also contribute to youths imitating the behaviours they were watching.

In fact, one such case of a youth who sexually abused his seven-year-old cousin made headlines in 2022.

With advances in technology also come other challenges such as the explosion of AI-generated sexual content or what is known as deepfakes.

Beyond Singapore, authorities around the world are also grappling with the wave of digitally manipulated, highly realistic images and videos of non-consenting individuals who have been portrayed nude or engaging in sexual acts.

Another area of concern is self-generated child sexual abuse materials.

While some of these explicit images can result from a consensual experience (sexting or sharing nudes), others can be coercive (grooming, pressure, manipulation) in nature. If this is done to minors, it would constitute as child sexual abuse. 

“It is taking a slightly different dimension, which can be more and more complex as the world evolves,” observed Dr Majeed.

Young people are also being hurt by sexual images of themselves that have been shared without consent. Photo from Depositphotos.com.

Highlighting how even consensually obtained images are now being exploited, he pointed out that non-consensual sharing (image leaks) can lead to sexual extortion and the commercialisation of sex. 

Finally, the growing phenomenon of children and youth interacting with AI chatbots is another risk.

With more people turning to chatbots for companionship, some are also using AI personas for sexual interactions.

However, the unpredictability and minimal parental control features in chatbots are troubling. It also remains to be seen how the dependence on such digital relationships could impact a young person’s social development. 

Encouraging different segments of the community to come together to help our youths, Dr Majeed urged the symposium’s participants, which included mental health professionals and leaders of religious organisations, to explore solutions from a prevention perspective. 

Parenting in a digital age

Prevention is indeed better than cure. 

But to be honest, as a mother of two young girls, hearing all of this was quite overwhelming. What should a concerned parent do?

After reflecting on all the discussions at the symposium, let me share three takeaways. 

1. Parents need to have more conversations with their children about sex 

“If a society is not able to talk about healthy sexuality without intense shame, how are they going to be able to talk about problematic sexual behaviour?”

Dr Eric Dooley, a US-based clinical psychologist who has also been a church planter and pastor in South-east Asia, raised this question at the panel discussion.

It was also sobering to hear during the plenary that many youths are turning to pornography not just for exploration and entertainment.

Pointing to research, Dr Paula Hall from the UK-based Laurel Centre, which specialises in sex and pornography addiction therapy, said that one of the main reasons cited by young people for viewing pornography was education. 

Dr Paula Hall shared that youths are seeking information from porn.

This begs the question. Who should be in charge of teaching our youths about sex?

Sharing her observations of what has been happening in the UK, Dr Hall said: “Parents say it’s the school’s responsibility, and the school is saying it’s the parent’s responsibility.”

In Singapore, plans are afoot to develop programmes in schools to reduce the likelihood of inappropriate behaviours and sexual offences among youths.

But even if pornography use does not develop into a legal (crime) or mental health (addiction) problem, what about its moral aspects? 

What about how pornography objectifies women, promotes unrealistic (and often selfish) expectations of sexual relationships, and breeds lust? 

As parents, we are already instilling many values in our children, such as teaching them about boundaries. Why not build on those conversations?

Where is our child getting information about sex from? And are we helping them to understand the problems with pornography?

With accessibility, affordability and anonymity fuelling the increase in pornographic content online, being aware of the risks discussed earlier will also help us in guiding our child to develop healthy digital habits.

Urging parents to engage with their children on the birds and the bees, Dr Dooley said: “It’s far more important to have 100 little talks than one big talk about sexuality.”

If you are unsure how to talk to your child about sex, do check out these resources from Focus on the Family Singapore for a start.

Normalising such conversations will also make it easier for your child to open up about any experiences with sexual misconduct or abuse. 

2. Be careful that porn doesn’t become a coping mechanism for your child

“Addiction is essentially using alcohol, pornography… to soothe the emotions.”

Speaking about the neuroscience of addiction and how pornography affects the brain, Dr Dooley shared that, as part of his work with clients, he always tries to uncover how the behaviour started.

“We’re developmental beings,” he said. “This came from somewhere, and so there were roots to this earlier in life that had to do with a lack of emotional regulation.”

Using the example of a child that was not soothed by caregivers while growing up, Dr Dooley explained: “With enough repetitions of non-nurturing environments happening, the brain starts to wire that way and say, ‘I can’t trust anybody else. Help isn’t coming. I have to rely on myself.'”

The problem is that a child can only hold out for so long.

When he or she enters the teenage years and gets introduced to an activity such as alcohol or pornography consumption that makes them feel good, they are going to keep wanting to rely on it.

“Hebb’s Law says that neurons that fire together wire together. Neurons that are active at the same time will make connections,” described Dr Dooley.

“Now the brain is saying, ‘When you’re anxious, when you feel guilt, when you have shame, this will fix it.'”

Human beings have a natural reward pathway in the brain. But when that pathway is overused, it stops working properly, explained Dr Eric Dooley.

Over time though, the copious amounts of dopamine (the “feel-good” hormone) that the activity produces overwhelms the brain, and one needs more and more of this “drug” to get pleasure.

While Dr Dooley recognises that not all addiction is trauma-based, he still believes it is important to understand what a person’s childhood was like and if there are any wounds that need to be healed. 

“If something hurts, you’re going to keep taking medicine,” he said.

“The addictive behaviour, the compulsive behaviour, whatever it is… is serving a function,” echoed Dr Hall.

If there is trauma involved, she usually focuses on that first when treating a client with sex or pornography addiction. 

I believe there is a lesson here for parents.

Regardless of how time-starved we are, we must remember that our children need us.

How attuned are we to our children’s emotions? Are they turning to unhealthy sources for comfort and companionship?

Even in our busyness, let us keep cultivating the relationship with our young ones.

As one counsellor from Indigo & Co. has previously pointed out, it is only in the context of a relationship where there is trust and mutual respect that parents can set boundaries around the use of technology.

Without such a relationship, rules simply engender rebellion or drive behaviours underground.

3. Create a safe space for your child to share their struggles

“You’re only as sick as your secrets.”

For anyone who is battling an addiction, Dr Dooley expressed that healing can only come when he or she is able to be honest about their struggles and find support.

“Addiction happens in isolation; recovery has to happen in community,” he said. “But people are scared to death of being known.”

From Dr Dooley’s experience, many of his clients have multiple groups of friends, and yet have not told anyone about their addiction.

“At the heart of this stuff is secrecy because of the belief, ‘I’m different from other people in a bad way, and if you knew that, you’d abandon me, you’d reject me. I’d be alone, I wouldn’t be liked, I wouldn’t be loved.'”

Addressing spiritual communities, Dr Dooley said that, ironically, these often have not been truly safe places for addicts.  

“Sometimes in our faith communities, we assume that (pornography) is only a spiritual or moral thing,” he noted.

But in the case of an addiction, what may have started as a moral problem has become a biological issue.

When the brain has been damaged by an addiction, an individual lacks the ability to stop the behaviour and to stay stopped. Photo from Depositphotos.com.

“The brain has now changed,” stated Dr Dooley. 

So if addicts are only told by well-meaning family or friends “you just need to make a decision to stop it”, “try harder”, or made to feel even more guilt and shame about their behaviour, none of these are helpful.

“The brain’s already been hijacked. Nobody ever sets out to say, ‘I think I’ll just be an addict.'”

Even for those who manage to stop their habit temporarily, it does not mean that their addiction is gone.

“Because addiction is a primary, chronic, progressive disease, it will come back,” he added.

“If the problem is not treated, the symptom will re-appear, and it does. So now the person’s in a dilemma.”

Since the individual wants to avoid feeling shame or scorn from their friends, family or faith community, he or she might avoid telling the truth when asked about their addiction again.

This only compounds the pain that the person is already experiencing because now they feel worse about themselves for lying, explained Dr Dooley.

And because the brain has learnt that pornography can help it feel better, he or she will continue to engage in the same behaviour, making it hard to break out of the addiction cycle.

Pointing out that humans are created with not just a spirit but also a body, Dr Dooley shared that treatment must be holistic.

Instead of relying on spiritual practices alone, treatment often includes individual therapy to deal with underlying emotional issues and group therapy. 

For instance, Dr Dooley helps his clients to identify high-risk situations (e.g. specific places or times) and emotional stressors (e.g. anxiety, fear, sadness or boredom) that may make them more susceptible to triggers. 

While the damage caused by the addiction is irreversible, treatment can cause new neural pathways to form in the brain, which can take years. 

“I believe that healing comes from the same source, but it’s not always the same avenue or means,” he said.

What does this mean for parents?

Going back to the adage that prevention is better than cure, it means that in our relationship with our child, they first need to:

• feel safe enough to open up to us. 
• know that they are accepted even if they admit they have a problem.
• experience our love and support instead of judgement and condemnation.

When our child has a problem, they should never believe that they are the problem.

For more serious problems such as addiction, we can also lead them to professional help. No more hiding – only healing. 

As followers of Jesus, may we be able to guide our children to walk in the light instead of darkness.

Indigo & Co. is a local non-profit that provides mental health services for clients with sexuality and gender concerns. For more information about the charity, visit its website. 

RELATED STORIES:

Tackling porn addiction: What if my spouse or my child is struggling?

Are you equipped to talk to your child about sex? Helping parents to create a culture of conversations

“I believed the lie that I could beat it on my own”: Former porn addict now runs support group

Why addiction to pornography is so insidious: A counsellor shares the challenges

The post When porn becomes both a moral and mental health problem: 3 ways we can help our children appeared first on Salt&Light.

She and her parents, Joseph Loh, 40, and Brenda Tan, 32 were out for lunch in a public place. Daniela refused to do something that her parents asked and began screaming loudly at them instead.

“Please calm down and stop screaming,” Joseph pleaded with Daniela as they made their way to the carpark to return home. He could feel waves of anger and irritation rising up from within him.

When Joseph was much younger, his parents used to hit him to shut him up whenever he cried.

To stop Daniela’s tantrums, Joseph instinctively slapped her on the cheek.  

The slap left a red mark on his daughter’s face. Shocked, Daniela stopped crying for a while and then resumed wailing.

Daniela having fun during their first family vacation to Taiwan.

His wife Brenda reacted immediately: She turned to her husband and slapped him on the face.

“How does it feel being shamed in public?” she asked him.

She was roused because he had not kept his word. They had both agreed not to discipline their children in public but in private to avoid shame. They had promised to never to discipline their children in anger.

A slap for a slap

As a mother, Brenda felt that she had failed to protect her child. She was also triggered by what had happened. Growing up, she was constantly slapped, pinched or yelled at by her parents whose marriage was rocky.

“Wow, my goodness. Did I deserve a slap just because I disciplined my misbehaving daughter?” Joseph thought to himself after his wife’s actions.

He was fuming and unable to swallow his pride.    

When they got into their car, Joseph stepped so hard on the reverse gear that all of them jerked backwards. Then he rammed his foot down on the accelerator and drove off at top speed. Joseph’s mother, who was also sitting in the car, told him to slow down as it was getting dangerous.

Daniela strapped in the car.

Fortunately, all of them returned home safely.

For the next few hours, Joseph withdrew from everyone around him, refusing to speak to anyone.

Brenda was also stewing in her own thoughts. She felt powerless that she could not protect her child from her husband’s reckless driving.

“I kept trying to talk to him about what happened and why he had to react that way,” she told Salt&Light.

“Stonewalling” and “bulldozing” 

However, Joseph continued to shut her out, and busied himself with household chores instead.

The more Brenda felt ignored, the more she persisted in nagging and criticising her husband. It reminded her of the times when her own parents hardly talked to her or responded to her needs.

Whenever Joseph ignored her, she would begin to panic and start attacking him, dredging up past mistakes he had made, which included him shouting at then one-week-old Daniela, and pinching her nose out of frustration at her constant crying at a few weeks of age.

The proud parents with their first newborn, Daniela.

Faced with her tirade, Joseph felt demeaned and did not know how to engage Brenda, so he continued ignoring her.

Unable to get through to him when things got difficult, she felt there was no future in their marriage. While feeding their younger daughter Serah, Brenda texted her husband an ultimatum. 

“Jo, I think we should get an uncontested divorce. I can’t take it already.

“If you don’t change the way you respond when we fight and don’t learn to control your temper, our family would be fractured and our marriage would die a natural death anyway. If you don’t want to change, an uncontested divorce is the next best thing for everyone,” she added.

Is divorce an option? 

Seeing his godly Christian wife bringing up the word “divorce” greatly disturbed Joseph. He did not even understand what “uncontested” meant, and had to search it up on Google.

Both of them did not expect their marriage to break down to such an extent, especially since it was God who gave both of them multiple confirmations before the unlikely pair was willing to obey Him and marry each other despite a lack of physical attraction.

Brenda and Joseph leading worship at their wedding.

Their first night as a couple.

Despite the seemingly insurmountable odds stacked against them, the two of them got married and stayed happily married ­– until COVID happened and children came into the picture.

Joseph, who used to be an aircraft engineer, lost his job when the pandemic grounded all planes.

Joseph with fellow graduates from his aircraft maintenance course in Wales.

Joseph used to be an aircraft engineer at SIA Engineering.

Brenda felt stressed at becoming the family’s sole breadwinner: They still had wedding debts to pay, not to mention the mounting expenses for their second new baby.

Though Joseph tried to juggle having both a flexible work arrangement and being a stay-home dad, it did not work out.

His identity as a stay-home dad

The couple realised later that having Joseph stay home while Brenda worked was the best fit for their family, as they preferred to have at least one parent at home with their children.

“As a stay-home dad, I was struggling so much with my worth, value and identity that I slipped into depression,” said Joseph.

With all their expectations of being a typical dual-income Singaporean family upended, Brenda also succumbed to postpartum depression.

Though the situation in their family seemed bleak, Joseph never thought that Brenda would ever consider divorce as an option.

“I thought: This couldn’t be happening to me, it couldn’t be true,” Joseph admitted to Salt&Light.

Brenda felt sad and resigned. Yet she still loved Joseph, hence she presumed that having an uncontested divorce (where assets and custody are all amicably divided and agreed upon between the both of them beforehand instead of battling it out in court) might be the best way forward.   

“Even though God was the one who brought us together, I know that people can also walk away from the blessings that He gives,” said Brenda.  

“We both didn’t know that marriage — especially parenting – would be this straining and difficult because it exposes who we are when we are tired.

“We needed to make a choice to grow with God or continue with our dysfunctional ways of responding,” she added.

Joseph with their second daughter, Serah.

Fortunately, Joseph decided to stand his ground when he confronted Brenda that night.  

“Divorce is not an option because of our faith in God. I promise you that I would work on myself and seek God,” he told her.  

Brenda prayed and felt God telling her not to prematurely force an ending and cause damage to the family, but to let Him continue to write their story.

Doing the hard work 

Both of them resolved to work through the issues in their marriage.

Their issues were wide-ranging, stemming from a host factors including their own childhood baggage, expectations of marriage, differences in conflict resolution and a lack of community support.

Brenda explained: “He’s a stonewaller and can shut himself off for many days. I’m like a bulldozer so I tend to want things to be resolved immediately and I really cannot stand being ignored or stonewalled.”

She has since learnt to give her husband the time and space he needs after a conflict, while he has agreed to initiate communication with her after an agreed period of time has lapsed.  

Both of them also found marriage to be very isolating.

“When I go to others and share about my own struggles, they perceive that it is my wife’s issue and volunteer to help talk to my wife. But they don’t understand that I am reaching out because I need help for my own issues and I am not gossiping about my wife,” said Joseph.

Brenda had similar experiences. She found that she could not bring herself to confide in her close friends as she did not want them to take sides or look at her husband with prejudiced eyes after that.

In the end, she chose to seek therapy, while Joseph found a community of fellow stay-home dads with which he could share about his own journey openly and authentically.

Joseph with a community of stay-at-home dads at Common Ground in Bedok.

They also learnt to actively seek God and lean on Him in order to understand each other better.

“In our cooling down time after a fight, we usually both individually seek Jesus to ask Him what He thought and what we needed to do. Reading the Word regularly also helps us to know what God thinks clearly, instead of relying on our feelings and thoughts that can be clouded by emotions,” said Brenda.

Learning to respond better during conflicts 

There have been times when God would chastise Brenda to lay down her pride and apologise for her accusatory words, and for yelling at or hitting her husband.

When conflicts arise now, she is learning to be gentle and comforting to Joseph while giving him space, while he puts in the effort not to run away but to remain and reassure her of his love.

At other times, God also sent people to speak into their situation.

“God sent a single sister to speak to us about forgiving each other and ourselves for the mistakes we made in marriage and parenting. It melted down our walls and caused both of us to repent and open our hearts again,” recalled Brenda.

The greatest turning point in their marriage came when they both decided to look harder at themselves than the other person.

“Every time I fight with my wife, there’s a voice that says just ignore her or she’s looking down on you, but there is also a voice that says maybe what she says is true about you,” said Joseph.

“Divorce is an option you can take but it deprives you of the chance to confront, not the things about your partner, but the things within you that are brought out by your partner. It’s valuable to take a good look at why you fight because it says just as much about you as it does the other person,” said Brenda.

Brenda and Joseph registered their marriage in March 2019.

They have also learnt to celebrate each other’s small wins.

Brenda celebrated with Joseph the first time he voluntarily came to talk to her after the agreed time, instead of her having to seek him out.

Joseph, who is very particular about laundry and cleanliness, has come round to acknowledging his wife’s efforts in keeping house instead of simply critiquing her competence.

The couple now has three children: Four-year-old Daniela, two-year-old Serah and two-month-old Asriel.

Their third child, Asriel, was born two months ago.

Having children of their own and realising how difficult it is to be a parent have given them a deeper understanding of God’s patience and love to them.

When Joseph and Brenda see their children cry in frustration over something they have yet to learn how to do, they are reminded of how patient and kind God is to them as they learn new things that He already knows.

Their family of five.

“It teaches us not to take a stance of superiority and impatience, which children often experience from adults. God is so incredibly patient despite every stubborn tantrum and mistake we make,” said Joseph.

In turn, God’s patient love spurs them on to see marriage as offering them the opportunity to perfect how they love.

Said Brenda: “Marriage is only to one person and you realise how even with one person, it’s really hard to love well. But the fulfilment and satisfaction from it is just really profound.”

Click to read how God redeemed Brenda and Joseph and brought them together.

RELATED STORIES: 

“God intended marriage to be more than ‘staying for the kids’”: Marc Chong, whose parents divorced and remarried each other

When God joined them as man and wife … twice

“It unstuck our marriage”: Transformed couple hosts retreat here with US speakers who helped them

The post Their fights were tearing their marriage apart but obedience to God kept them together appeared first on Salt&Light.

“I was slapped, pinched, yelled at and criticised harshly almost every day,” Brenda told Salt&Light. “It was either that or both my parents were working and absent.”

In primary school, she was bullied by older students. As she grew up, she modelled the same violent ways of coping and eventually became a bully herself.

“I used to think that I was beaten and bullied because I was unlikeable and disgusting, that something was fundamentally wrong with me for me to attract all these punishments,” said Brenda, who was diagnosed with depression when she was 15.

She was only awarded attention and appreciation when she scored well in school. Then her achievements were “paraded” to relatives.

“My experience was that I had no value apart from what I achieved. So, I viewed relationships as transactional and I thought love meant any arrangement that mutually benefitted one another,” said Brenda, now 32 and a communications manager.

Meeting Jesus in her room

The lack of affirmation and attention in her life led her to look for romance, and it did not matter to Brenda if it was a man or woman.  

“I grew up experiencing attraction to both sexes. I thought love and romance is possible with anyone as long as we mutually benefit,” she said, adding that she was once attracted to a blond woman even as she was in a relationship with a man.

Sexually awakened from a young age of six, she would engage in masturbation and later, pornography, finding both genders appealing. 

When Brenda was 10 years old, however, she had a dramatic encounter with God.

After a particularly difficult night of witnessing more violence in her home, a suicidal Brenda told God to kill her, if He was real.

“Instead, Jesus showed up smiling at me. For the first time, I felt incredibly loved and could not stop tearing,” said Brenda, who began following Jesus thereafter.

However, coming from a family of a different religion, she did not start going to church until she was 13. But being in church did not solve her problems either: “I was searching for God but found that the Gospel that was preached didn’t address my experience of suffering, so I left church at 15,” she said.

Brenda backslided and started “living according to the world”: Singing in bands, drinking and engaging in masturbation and pornography. She also started dating a man and they were sexually intimate.

When she was 18, she left for studies in the UK. She continued singing and drinking, and became attracted to a girl. But God had other plans for her.

“When I was 20, went to Africa for three months to volunteer with an education-focused organisation,” she told Salt&Light. “There, I was moved by the worship of God by the local people who had nothing and suffered greatly.”

During that volunteer trip, she also realised that her boyfriend back in Singapore did not really care for her.

When Brenda turned 21, she had an encounter with God. “He spoke loudly to me about how long do I want to continue down this path of brokenness, and waste my life with this man (my ex). So broke up with him and chose God, because I realised I was already very broken and had nothing else to lose.”

She returned to church shortly before she graduated in 2014. Then “I came back to Singapore to serve my bond as a government scholar, and I started worshipping at Covenant Evangelical Free Church,” she said.

Back in Singapore, Brenda continued her worldly pursuits, singing in a band after work, and drinking. But walking closely with the Lord, she heard Him say to leave the band. It was later that she found out the members of the band were satanic.

“God told me to sing for Him,” she said. “I tried auditioning for my church’s worship team in CEFC as a backup singer, but failed horribly. I sang off-key and couldn’t find the right pitch – which is very unusual for me.”

Realising it was not the right time, Brenda decided not to sing for a while, but to spend time consecrating herself by fasting from performance. It was only two years later, in 2016, that she felt prompted to audition again. She was accepted and been on worship teams since then.

Bit by bit, God delivered Brenda from her addictions. She stopped using porn in her mid-20s, and the Lord opened her eyes to her drinking issue.

One Christmas party, Brenda brought a pack of Tiger Radler (beer mixed with fruit juice). This drew a bad reaction from her cell group leader, who was struggling with alcoholism.

Brenda remembered: “That triggered a lot of open conversations, and I realised I had a problem and prayed for deliverance.

“One day at work, as I opened a small bottle to drink, the Lord told me: ‘I will answer your prayer and take away your compulsion to drink from now on.’

“It felt like chains falling off me.”

She started attending Full Gospel Business Fellowship, and “they heard my voice and asked me to lead worship for their events.”

It was at an FGB camp that Brenda met Joseph.

A vision of her future groom 

In 2016, Brenda, then 24, was scheduled to lead worship at a Christian discipleship camp.

The day before the camp started, she was told by the organisers that they were flying someone in from the United Kingdom to lead worship with her.

Joseph (in plaid shirt) was the worship director at Cardiff International Church in the UK.

That person turned out to be Joseph Loh, who was doing his degree in aircraft maintenance in Wales but had been flown in because the camp organiser felt his presence was important to the camp.

Brenda recalled: “When I first met him, I felt that he was a really good man who loves Jesus. He was so good with the guitar and vocals, to the point that I jokingly suggested to him to take all the worship leading sessions so that I can relax.”

Joseph and Brenda (behind) leading worship on another occasion.

During an evening prayer session on the first day, Brenda had a vision.

She saw herself walking up to the marriage altar, where a groom was waiting for her.

“I absolutely thought the groom was going to be Jesus because I felt that I had to remain single and celibate now that I was a follower of Christ,” said Brenda, adding that at that time she was interested in a girl she knew from university in the UK.

But in her vision, when she turned to look at the groom, she realised it was Joseph.

“At first, I thought perhaps it’s because I just saw him and led worship with him, so I told God I must be imagining things,” said Brenda.

Joseph leading worship with his musical talents.

Little did she know that Joseph himself had heard from God as well. On his flight from the UK to Singapore, the Lord had told him that he was going to meet his future wife.

“When I first met Brenda, I felt in my spirit that she had a beautiful heart. But I was also intimidated by her confidence, smartness and frankness,” said Joseph, now 40.

They seemed a highly unlikely match. The type of girls that he was interested in and had pursued up to that point were godly Christian girls with blue eyes and blond hair.

Sexually groomed during teenage years

When Joseph was 17, his best friend introduced him to a male tutor. All the teenager wanted from his tutor was friendship and access to his computer to play games, but the tutor offered him “more”.

“As he gave me money, presents and his laptop, I allowed him to touch me for many years. It went from touching me to touching my genitals and then masturbating together,” Joseph told Salt&Light candidly.

This sexual awakening led to a pornography addiction, which Joseph kept under wraps. He led a double life and continued going to church and serving God on Sunday.

His addiction was so strong, he carried his porn collection with him to the UK when he went there for studies.

There, Joseph suffered panic and anxiety attacks for a month. He also fell sick with a fever but could not get an appointment to see the doctor. Terrified, he cried out to all the gods and asked whoever was real to help him.

Just like He did for Brenda, Jesus stepped into the room where Joseph was, and peace filled the room.

Like Brenda, Joseph asked Jesus to kill him, but Jesus did not. Instead, Joseph found new life in the Lord and His word.

“I didn’t have time to go back to porn because I became engrossed in reading the Bible and in church,” he said.

Brenda did not know of Joseph’s past and she felt like brushing away the unusual vision she received. However, she lingered over it, feeling the Lord ask her to seek Him more about it.

“So, I prayed that if it is truly Joseph that He wants me to marry, He needs to show me some concrete signs,” said Brenda.

The discipleship camp where Joseph (second from left) and Brenda (at the back, in short hair) first met in 2016.

One of the signs that she asked was for God to wake her up for the morning walk with everyone the next day. She knew she was a heavy and late sleeper, and she did not bother setting the alarm.

“For the whole night, I dreamt of Jacob wrestling with God. I woke up tired, but without any help, at 5am. I thought I must have missed the walk as I naturally wake up around 9 or 10am,” said Brenda.

That day, she was the first to arrive for the walk.

Many other signs that she requested from God were also fulfilled in the years to come.

“I still wasn’t convinced it would work or how it could happen, because of where I was. So, I ignored the several, very clear signs that I was given,” said Brenda.

Though Joseph also felt that God was pointing Brenda out to him, he deliberately avoided her as she did not fit his “type” and seemed too intimidating.

After the camp, Joseph flew back to the UK and then returned to his home in Malaysia for a while.

Crossing paths again 

A year later, in 2017, Brenda received another vision from God. At the time, she had been worshipping at Covenant Evangelical Free Church for about three years.

In the vision, she saw a mental image of an auditorium that she had been to before while attending an event on Christian apologetics.

“I showed up there one day on Sunday and saw Joseph leading worship and found out it was a church,” said Brenda.

The church was called Embrace Church, an international congregation under City Missions Church. Brenda joined the church shortly after, knowing that God had led her there.

She served in Embrace Church’s worship team. Joseph was the worship director of the team. They slowly became friends in church, but theirs was not a smooth, easy relationship.

“We clashed a lot because I felt that Joseph wasn’t directional enough and that he communicated poorly, so I couldn’t get a sense of what he truly wanted or how God was leading him. When I went up to him to clarify things, he felt I was challenging his leadership,” said Brenda, whose assertiveness often rubbed the meek Joseph in the wrong way.

Brenda with her church friends and leaders at Joseph’s 33rd birthday party in 2017.

Meanwhile, Joseph persisted in desiring other girls that fit his own criteria better and prayed for many signs from God on which one to choose.

All the signs pointed to Brenda.

One sign Joseph asked of God was for his chosen spouse to be with him on top of a particular hill in Mongolia. He had felt called to Mongolia for missions and was struck by the incredible beauty of the landscape from the top of that hill.

Years ago while in Mongolia, Joseph talked to God about his desire for his future spouse to be on this mountain with him one day.

Eventually, Brenda did end up going on a group mission trip to Mongolia with Joseph but the itinerary did not involve going to that region of Mongolia – Marun.

“God changed all the plans of the trip as it was a national holiday in Mongolia, so the local pastor chose to bring us to Marun and we stopped at the very same hill,” said Joseph.

Brenda and Joseph with the hill in the background in Mongolia.

Joseph knew then, without a doubt, who God’s choice was for him. Though he admittedly was not attracted to Brenda at all, he decided to obey God because he had determined to let God decide who his spouse would be.

Just like Joseph, Brenda had asked God to choose for her, as the relationships she had pursued on her own previously never ended well.

Having the most “unromantic” talk about dating each other

In 2018, Joseph worked up the courage to talk to Brenda about his intention to date her.

He told her God had spoken clearly to him about her being God’s choice for him, and he asked what she thought. She replied that, similarly, God had spoken to her about him.

Then, a silence fell between them.

They knew they each came with a lot of baggage.

“I told Joseph honestly that I wasn’t attracted to him, that I even disliked him a lot because of how he treated me in the worship team – he would treat me worse than the others because he wanted to avoid me,” said Brenda.

Brenda and Joseph leading worship during a mission trip in Russia.

However, she also told him that she, like him, wanted to obey God.

“It was probably the most unromantic conversation ever. We both couldn’t deny our compatibility in terms of gifting and calling to missions, and our strengths and weaknesses. But physically, we just weren’t drawn to each other,” she added.

It was a short conversation as both of them had a prayer meeting to head to after, but both of them agreed to date each other henceforth out of obedience.

Most of their dates involved talking a lot, talking through their issues. Both of them like to eat and to be amidst nature, so those conversations took place either over meals or during  walks at the beach.

Joseph and Brenda in Siberia, Russia for missions.

“Dating without having attraction is actually incredibly freeing. We weren’t trying to impress each other at all, so we could be very honest with each other,” Brenda told Salt&Light.

Both of them brought to God what they felt would not work in the relationship.

“I told God that Brenda didn’t like children, but I love them and desire to have children after marriage. But all Jesus said was to trust Him,” said Joseph.

“We both doubted a lot along the way, but we also had enough faith by then to know that God always gives us the best,” said Brenda.

It helped that their pastor and ministry leaders had urged them for a long time to pray about coming together and were supportive of their union.

Thus, when Joseph proposed to Brenda on stage in church in February 2019, the whole church was in on the surprise.

Joseph proposed during a church service. They had made Brenda the emcee for the service and surprised her while she was giving the announcements.

They were married in October that same year, and went to the Maldives for their honeymoon thereafter.

Joseph and Brenda (with their pastor) at their wedding ceremony.

The couple on their honeymoon in the Maldives.

“Life after marriage was great as we quickly discovered that we had more in common than we thought we had. As we already had fought through so much before marriage and established a foundation of honest communication, we had that security we needed to fully express our love for other in terms of sexual intimacy,” said Brenda.

“I mean, when you have no attraction, you got to really work at it,” she said in good humour.

Love and redemption

Over time, though, physical attraction began to increase between them as they chose to love each other even in the midst of trials.

They also began to see how God knew each of them better than they knew themselves.

Brenda’s love for children only really showed itself after she had her first child, when she astounded Joseph with her patience and love for their children.

Daniela at one, in Brenda’s arms.

“I realised I was against having children because I felt I couldn’t be a good mother because of my upbringing – not because I didn’t love them. I love children so much I couldn’t bear to be a bad mother.

“God gave me the assurance I needed to have children and answered Joseph’s prayer for children,” Brenda said to Salt&Light.

The couple now have three children and the family now worships at 3:16 church.

“God’s ways are truly higher than ours; we couldn’t tell where God going with this relationship until later on,” she added.

“Compared to some other people we considered dating, this is truly the best outcome and we could not be more thankful.”

Life after marriage continued to be a rollercoaster ride for Joseph and Brenda as God continued to refine them individually, as a couple and as parents. They faced such conflict as parents that Brenda asked for a divorce. Read here for their unvarnished story on life post-marriage.

RELATED STORIES: 

“If these children with HIV can praise God, why can’t I?” cried out Radion’s Eugene Wee when his family lost everything

“The first time we held hands was after we got engaged”: Deputy Minister Hannah Yeoh’s love story

Tragic bus accident: “God sent help when I almost gave up,” reveals widower and father of two young sons in Salt&Light book

The post They were not attracted to each other, but God transformed them and put them together appeared first on Salt&Light.

Many were encouraged by God’s perfect timing and plan.

Peck’s story is one of 35 in the newly released book, Salt&Light: Inspirational Stories of Faith in Love – a collection of powerful true accounts revealing God’s heart for us in marriage, relationships and singlehood.

In a peek behind the scenes, Peck shares this update to her story.

March 29, 2024, was a good day.   

It was good not just because it was Good Friday, but also because it was the day I heard four words I did not think I was ever going to hear: “Will you marry me?”   
 
After waiting 20 years for God to bring me to a life partner, I had given up hope. Even my mother had stopped nagging at me to get married.  
 
I met The Man very soon after I abandoned mission.  

The One 

The first time we met, I felt like I had known him since the beginning of time.  
 
I soon realised he was the sort of man God had been sketching out for me all my life – a man of integrity who has never changed his tune in the 1,037 days that we have known each other; a man whose days are anchored in God; a man who loves Jesus and loves people; a man with all the other bonus bits I wanted but never dared ask for.  

The Man makes me laugh out loud and often. He writes like a dream and cooks like a master chef. 

But I knew he was The One because being with him makes me want to love people more. He says I make him want to love God more.  

The Man proposed on Good Friday because “it epitomises the most extravagant kind of love, when Jesus laid down His life for His beloved”.

He wanted each anniversary of our engagement to be a reminder that true love is sacrificial, and that sacrificial love was best exemplified by our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.  

The proposal came on Good Friday because The Man wanted the anniversary to be a reminder of the sacrificial love of Christ for us.

I understood then that we would grow in a way we would not have done on our own. I believe God brought us together to become lifelong friends who could help each other become the persons He designed us to be. 
 
We are getting married in seven days but I still have to pinch myself now and then to remind myself this man is for real. 

His banner over me is love

“Your story convinced me that it was worth waiting on God because when He provides, He always gives the best,” a 20-something reader told me after reading my Salt&Light story on waiting 20 years for God to bring the right man.  
 
The man I am about to marry is the opposite of me in so many ways, but the same. He is God’s banner of love over me. 
 
Another young reader has become a friend after she reached out to me.  
 
“I really do struggle with being secure in who God made me to be. My singleness has coloured the way I view life.

“I find it difficult to tell anyone because very few people in my life are going through the same thing. I thank God He led me to your story.  
 
“From you, I have learnt that God never makes us wait for nothing,” she told me.  

Several friends have circulated the story among friends struggling with singlehood, but I was surprised to learn that a pre-believing friend who came across my story on my social media page had shared it with her circle as well. 
 
I have asked God often during the season of waiting if 20 years were really necessary.  
 
I know now that it was.  
 
In the years of waiting, Jesus didn’t just give me a man after His own heart.  
 
He gave me Himself.

The post After 20 years of waiting, God brings the perfect gift: A peek behind the scenes of new <i>Salt&Light</i> book on love appeared first on Salt&Light.

“We quarrelled about anything and everything. Not being home, not doing well in school, skipping school,” he told Salt&Light.

Things had not always been this way. When Jacob was young, he had quite a good relationship with his mother.

(Back left to right) Ps Jacob’s wife Charmaine, Ps Jacob, (seated left to right) his mother and aunt. Ps Jacob was raised by his mother.

“It got worse in Primary 5 or 6 when she constantly compared my school grades with other people’s. No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t meet her requirements. Eventually I gave up trying.

“Then I had a big quarrel with her and decided to run away from home. I thought I could survive on the streets.”

His mother had been raising Jacob on her own since he was a toddler. She worked two jobs to provide for him and made sure that he never lacked anything.

“In terms of food, clothing, money to spend, I had enough. So it didn’t dawn on me that earning money was difficult.”

Out on the streets, he quickly he realised he did not even have money for lunch. He had to rely on his friend to share half a cheeseburger with him.

“That experience with hunger was when my worldview was formed that I couldn’t live without money.”

Already mixing with street gangs then, Jacob decided to sell pirated VCDs to earn a quick buck. That led to joining a gang, and then to dealing drugs.

“It fit into the worldview of ‘I cannot live without money’ and drugs was the fastest way to get money.”

There is a God  

Jacob’s first taste of drugs was when he was 13. A classmate two years his senior introduced him to marijuana.

Asked why he took the substance knowing what it was, Jacob said: “Peer pressure, curiosity.”

Though he was never an addict, drugs still got Jacob, now 43, into trouble.

When he was 17, he was arrested for drug-related offences. By then, he had worked his way up the drug-dealing ladder and was about to take over a bigger chunk of the business.

But because he was not arrested during a raid, he was only charged with possession and consumption of drugs. On his 18^th birthday, he began his two-year sentence at the Reformative Training Centre (RTC).

There, he started attending Christian chapel services.

“I was told chapel is more fun and there is chocolate to eat during Christmas. It was also a way to kill time,” he recalled.

It was not Jacob’s first exposure to Christianity. As a child, his aunt had brought him to church and he had attended Sunday School every week. He only stopped going in upper primary school because “the lessons got a bit boring”.

A year into his sentence, Jacob accepted Jesus as His Lord and Saviour.

“Hearing the messages, I knew that there is a God. I took my ‘N’ levels inside and, through prayer during the exam period, there was this calmness in me,” he said.

“There was a feeling that this God is real to me and that caused me to say, ‘It’s okay to be a Christian.’”

The lure of money

But his faith had no real roots in the Word. Once out of the cocooned environment of RTC, Jacob found it hard to stay the course.

“I didn’t have an interest to go to church. I lived in Sembawang and church was in Marine Parade. Travelling that distance was too hard.”

At first, he did try to keep his nose clean. He enrolled in a polytechnic to study Banking and Finance. But the lure of fast cash was too much. When his old gang friends got in touch with him, it did not take long for him to return to trafficking drugs.

After serving National Service, Jacob tried out different jobs in an effort to live right. But nothing was as lucrative as selling drugs.

“In a month, I can earn S$8,000 to S$9,000 just by working from 7pm to 9pm or 10pm.”

Whenever he passed by a church, though, he would “feel a prompting” to leave his lifestyle and return to church.

“But I was stuck in my habits and my lifestyle. I couldn’t give it up just like that. I kept telling myself, ‘Maybe one day I will return.’”

His motivation was to escape God’s wrath and judgement. But it was not enough to pull him away from drugs and back to his faith. The thought remained no more than a thought.

The Word that convicts

Five years later in 2006, it was the law that put a stop to his drug trafficking. His drug activities had caught the attention of the authorities. He was arrested one day after work. A search of his room uncovered the stash of drugs he had collected the day before to traffic.

“I was very disappointed and there was a lot of anger. My thought was: Who tipped off the police? I was also very uncertain, not knowing how long I would spend in prison and what my future would be like.”

He was remanded for six months awaiting sentencing. During that time, he was in lockup 23 hours of the day. The only way to pass time was to read.

“When my aunt came to visit me, she had asked if I wanted a Bible. I told her, ‘Don’t waste my time with this kind of things.’

“But in remand, I ran out of reading materials and my cellmate told me that religious materials were not part of the three books we were allowed.

“So when he passed me a Bible, I took it.”

The boy who used to find Bible stories boring started reading Bible stories again. Slowly, God’s Word convicted him.

“The first verse that convicted me was Proverbs 12:11. It hit me very hard. Isn’t that how I lived my life? Chasing after fantasy, chasing after money. That word, though harsh, got me thinking: Why am I living in such a foolish way?”

As he read on, more verses spoke to him. Luke 12:15 made him re-think his worldview that he could not live without money.

“If money is not all there is in life, what is my life for? With these two verses, I started to ponder.”

As the date of his sentencing neared, Jacob came across Hebrews 12:5-6. The admonishment to accept punishment prepared him for the sentence to come.

“When the judge said, ‘Six years, six strokes of the cane’, I was not flustered, not anxious. I could accept it.

“Compared to six months earlier – I would (have been) jumping.”

God also became personal to him through prayer. In remand, he could receive visitors daily. But every morning, it would rain.

“I would be like, ‘It’s raining. My family is coming to visit. God, can You stop the rain?’ And it would stop.

“First day it happened, second day it happened, third day it happened. I was gripped with a certain kind of fear. This God is so powerful yet He listens to this kind of prayer. That was my encounter with the amazing, powerful God.”

“My remaining years for You”  

In prison, Jacob dedicated his life to God.

“I went before God and said, ‘I have squandered away my years.’ I was 25. By the time I was released, I would be about 30.

“I told him, ‘Let me commit my remaining years to You and see where You will lead me.”

Thus began his “journey in following God”. Jacob went for chapel services and also joined the Prison Fellowship Singapore (PFS) Christian Intensive Religious Counselling programme.

For 18 months, he was immersed in training of life skills Bible study, topical studies and counselling in preparation for life on the outside.

Ps Jacob (second, left) with his colleagues from Prison Fellowship Singapore.

As part of the programme, he had the opportunity to heal his relationship with his mother.

“When they brought us together in prison, we had been prepped to talk about how we felt. So I could voice out areas of disappointment and anger as well as apologise for the areas I did wrong.

“She had only listened to the teachers’ comments about me and didn’t listen to me. I felt I was not understood.

“When I was told her, she broke down and cried. She realised how her parenting style had a negative impact on me that caused my disappointment with her.”

The programme also ensured that Jacob would have a church to receive him and nurture his faith when he got out of prison.

Six months before completing four years of his six-year sentence, PFS offered him an internship.

“It was humbling. I dropped out of poly so I was a school dropout. Yet they were willing to wait six months for me when I had nothing to offer.

“I was grateful. I saw that as God bringing me through.”

A call to serve many

After his year-long internship, Jacob joined PFS as a staff. In that time, he became convinced that while people could help the inmates and their families, God could help even more.

“Social work is helpful in intervening in some of their issues but it was only intervention. To help more people, God has to work. People need God. And He can be there 24/7 where we can’t.”

That and his desire to know God better blossomed into a plan to go to a theological school. His pastor at his receiving church, Pentecost Methodist Church, put him on an internship programme to expose him to the inner workings of the church while he thought about what he would do if he earned a theological degree.

Ps Jacob (second from right) with his cell group members when he was at Pentecost Methodist Church.

“My pastor was trying to expose me to as many ministries in church as possible. I told him I wanted to study at TTC (Trinity Theological College) but I didn’t want to be a pastor.

“I thought Methodist pastors all came from brand-name schools and I didn’t. So I didn’t want to be a pastor.”

Because of his personal experience, Jacob had a passion for restorative work, particularly restoration of families.

“My pastor gave me an idea. He told me, ‘If you are going to do this alone, you can. But if you do this as part of a church, you can mobilise more people to do these things.’”

As Jacob prayed over his decision, he became convicted that God had called him to be a pastor.

“If God wants me to serve more people in the area of restoring families, I have to face my own inferiority.”

After two years as an intern in his church, Jacob went to TTC and graduated in 2017.

In TTC, he also met his wife Charmaine who was three years ahead of him. They married the year he graduated. Jacob is now a pastor at Paya Lebar Methodist Church.

Ps Jacob (right) with his wife Charmaine whom he met at Trinity Theological College.

Asked about his former worldview that placed money above all else, Ps Jacob said: “I may not earn a lot (compared to before), but I always have enough.”

Living simply and saving what he can has allowed him to pay for his wedding, honeymoon and new home right after graduation.

“When we check, ‘Do we have enough money? Eh, got enough.’ God just kept providing.”

RELATED STORIES:

“I was a condemned case. Prison couldn’t cure me”: In prison 4 times, caned 15 times, he thought he would die a drug addict

He started a p*rn club and tried to become a drug dealer, but his destiny was to be a pastor

Addicted to drugs, he broke his father’s heart. Years later, his sons would do the same

“After all that you have done, I still love you”: The audible voice of God changed him from gangster to pastor

The post He trafficked drugs to get rich quick, but in prison he realised he had been “chasing fantasies” appeared first on Salt&Light.

There, the “happy-go-lucky” boy was bewildered by how driven his peers were to excel in everything they did. 

Bryan at the start of secondary school, before his descent into darkness. All photos courtesy of Bryan Ng unless otherwise stated.

“I guess I did not see any point in chasing after grades,” Bryan, now 21 and an undergraduate.

Year after year, he was told by well-meaning adults that he was not studying hard enough.

The student athlete also had co-curricular training on most days after school and could only start his doing his homework at 11pm. He regularly went to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

He would wake up feeling poorly rested on most days. He didn’t know it then, but he had sleep apnea, a condition that disrupts the quality of sleep. 

He would feel sleepy during the day and struggle to stay awake during class. It added to his perception of himself as “lazy”. 

After one parent-teacher meeting in Secondary 2, Bryan walked away with one thought: “Everyone is doing their part except me.”

He felt the weight of his failure – as a son, as a student. 

He also felt like a failure as a Christian.

“I felt that I should be studying harder as it was my God-given responsibility,” recalled Bryan, who grew up in a Christian home.

He also believed that he would never be able to earn God’s love.

During a six-month boarding programme in Secondary 3, Bryan was plagued by thoughts about jumping down at school after his exams. 

The suicidal thoughts would return in waves over the next six years.

“I saw myself as a massive failure who should never have been born. I also wanted to escape from my life of burdens and responsibilities,” he said.

Email cry for help

To escape his negative thoughts and low moods, Bryan exercised intensively. 

He also spent most of his time with friends, but often felt lonely in his struggle. His negative thoughts returned when he was alone at night.

Bryan (right of photographer) felt genuinely happy when he was with his friends from secondary school.

“I did not share my struggles with my friends as I thought they could neither understand nor help me. 

“I also prided myself on being the guy who brought happiness to the group. So I felt that I could not bring sadness to my friends by sharing my pain. 

“I also did not share much with my parents as we rarely talked about our feelings.”

His feelings of loneliness intensified during the COVID lockdown in 2020 when he was physically separated from his friends. 

One night, desperate to pour out his emotions to someone, Bryan typed an email to the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) 24-hour helpline for persons in crisis or affected by suicide. 

“I knew that sending a literal SOS at 2am wasn’t going to solve my problems. It was perhaps a desperate cry from within me for someone to hear what I was going through.”

Bryan did not wait for the response, but he made it through the night – with yet another wet pillow.

Screenshot of the reply from SOS. “Just typing out my feelings and knowing that someone would read it helped me get through that night,” said Bryan.

Bryan never acted on his suicidal thoughts as he believed it was a sin according to his Christian faith. He was fearful of “going to hell”. 

At the same time, he did not want to hurt his loved ones. 

He wrestled deeply against his thoughts of death.

“The struggle was exhausting and painful,” he said.

The emotional pain he suffered was magnified by his seemingly smooth life.

Bryan was known to most as an obedient and filial son, a faithful Christian and a student athlete in an elite school. He was funny and well-liked by his peers.

Bryan felt like he had “no right to be depressed”. He expected invalidating responses if he were to share his suicidal thoughts. 

The only thing Bryan could do was to cry out to God. 

“Typing prayers on my mobile phone kept me alive.

“I would ask God to help me get through days where I had only two to three hours of sleep, to help me stop beating myself up, and to help me trust that He was there amidst my pain.”

“Jesus is my life-jacket” reads the journal entry of the former canoeist. It was Bryan’s way of communicating with God.

“Bible verses like 1 Samuel 11:9 gave me hope that God would rescue me from my darkness.

“Even though I felt that I had failed God, I was somehow still praying to Him.”

Despair during NS

In the new environment of National Service (NS), Bryan was mentally and physically exhausted daily. His thoughts of suicide resurfaced.

“I questioned why I had to wake up every day to this never-ending torture cycle. The question was like a thorn in my mind. I remember that sweaty bunk where I would fight the daily urge to die,” he recalled.

Moments of joy with friends did not stop Bryan’s internal struggle. “I did not want to bring pain to my loved ones. Yet, what about my pain of existing meaninglessly?” he asked.

Bryan continued to turn to God for comfort, believing that God saw his suffering. 

He clung to Bible verses for strength to carry on. They included: “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)

He also gathered fellow Christian NS men to pray together. 

He experienced a slight upturn in his mental health during the start of Officer Cadet School (OCS) – probably due to experiencing less stress.

However, this was soon followed by a plunge “into the worst period” of his life.

Ironically, it started with a prayer he made during a church camp in 2022.

“I remember hearing a message about ‘’the antidote to fear is faith’. 

I responded to the message with a cry out to God to give me faith at whatever cost.”

Bryan’s journal entry from church camp in 2022.

“One night, I broke out in hives. The very next day, I experienced sudden chest pains and breathlessness – far more intense than anything I have experienced,” he said.

The breathlessness was so bad that Bryan was hospitalised a few times. 

He saw multiple specialists and was initially diagnosed as having asthma. 

In hindsight however, Bryan realised that he was having panic attacks.

“During that period, my suicidal thoughts were so intrusive I could not look at high rise buildings; I had to draw the curtains in my room. 

“This in turn made me anxious. Would I eventually act on my urge to end my life? Was my life doomed to this? Was there nothing I could do about it?

“The anxious thoughts were followed by prolonged periods of low moods.”

Bryan’s journal entry from church camp in 2022.

Sensing that something was very wrong, Bryan considered seeking professional help for his mental health and dropping out of OCS. 

Unfortunately, well-meaning people discouraged him and voiced their concerns about the potential side effects of psychiatric medications.

He was instead advised to grit himself to complete OCS. 

Crumbling pillar 

At the height of his struggles, Bryan found himself angry at God. For the first time in his life, he doubted his faith.

“My experience of pain and observation of suffering around the world made me question why a good and loving God would create us human beings, knowing that we would suffer so much – and many would eventually go to hell,” he said.

Another trigger was Bryan’s grandmother’s rejection of Christianity despite his attempts to tell her about Jesus’ love.

He could not come to terms with the knowledge that he would one day be forever separated from his beloved grandma if she rejected Jesus’ offer of eternal life.

“I also struggled with the concept of sin and judgment. How can I love God genuinely if my faith is motivated by a desire to avoid punishment?” 

With his faith – the main pillar of his psychological support – crumbling, Bryan’s fear and sense of hopelessness intensified. 

Yet at the same time, this crisis of faith sparked a hunger for answers to his questions. 

His life depended on it. 

Fighting for his mental health

Unable to bear his pain longer, Bryan confided in a friend who had been open about his own mental health struggles. 

The friend encouraged him to seek professional help.

Bryan with the friend he confided in who made the appointment with a psychologist for him..

Bryan felt surprisingly at ease during his first appointment with the psychologist.

“It was like entering into a judgment-free room and getting much off my chest,” he said.

The psychologist referred Bryan to a psychiatrist. 

This was the start of his healing journey. 

Bryan was diagnosed with dysthymia –  a chronic mood disorder characterised by persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness – as well as anxiety. 

He was given two months of medical leave from NS and prescribed medications for his mood and anxiety. 

Separately, Bryan also discovered that his struggle to stay awake was a symptom of sleep apnea – a condition where his breathing stops and starts repeatedly during sleep – and underwent surgery to treat it.

Tug-of-war with a monster

Talking to the psychologist was a breakthrough for Bryan.

“It was a way to release my pain and to be understood. 

“The psychologist gave me the words to make sense of my thoughts and feelings and taught me useful handles to contend with my cynical thoughts,” he said.

He also learnt that he had a negativity bias, meaning he could point out problems in every given situation, which contributed to his cynicism toward life.

From these sessions, Bryan learnt to view his mental struggles as “a tug-of-war with a monster”. 

The analogy helped him to recognise that his continued struggle with his thoughts and questions about life was an impasse that only brought him unnecessary exhaustion and pain. 

Gradually, Bryan learnt to accept his difficult feelings and thoughts without having to engage with them constantly. Instead, he spent 30 minutes a day journalling and evaluating his negative thoughts. 

Meanwhile, the psychiatrist’s diagnosis helped Bryan and his parents better understand the reason behind his struggles with low moods and chest pains, and the need for medication.

He had been warned that the medications may initially worsen his low moods, mood swings, sleep difficulties and appetite. 

But as he pushed through with the doctor’s encouragement, his mood stabilised. His medications were slowly tapered off.

Bryan went back to NS in 2023. On his doctor’s recommendation, he was placed in a department where he could contribute meaningfully with little stress. It helped with his recovery. 

A space for faith

During his medical leave and final few months in NS, Bryan had time and space to dive into books, videos and courses on philosophy, theology and Christian counselling. 

He sought out a counsellor from Singapore Bible College (SBC) to help sort out his tensions about the faith. He also confided in his church group and leaders.

Bryan was tempted to leave church as he struggled with cynicism about the faith. But he stayed on when this leader gently told him: “I encourage you to keep on coming. I pray that this God who is so, so real to me, will one day be to you as well.” 

During his journey of seeking, Bryan found a quote from philosopher Soren Kierkegaard: “… the crucial thing is to find a truth which is truth for me, to find the idea for which I am willing to live and die”. 

The quote encouraged Bryan to continue seeking answers to his questions about life and God. It also assured him that he did not need all the answers in order to have faith.

“Looking back, the professional help, community, philosophy and theology were all channels of God’s truth to me,” Bryan said.

Lowered through the roof

In May 2023, Bryan reluctantly joined his small group members in queueing up for prayer at a church conference.

He was sceptical about the effectiveness of such prayer sessions.

“If my friends had not accompanied me to the room, I would have just left when I saw the queue,” he said.

“They were like the four friends who were so determined to help their ‘paralysed friend’ – me – seek healing, they lowered him through the roof in order to reach Jesus in a crowded room,” said Bryan, referring to the story in Mark 2:3-11.

“It was the first time I understood the power of community,” said Bryan (front), of members from his previous small group, whose actions helped him turn a corner.

“The prayer minister told me that as I was walking toward her, she could feel that God has never left me nor stopped loving me and has been continuously sending angels to protect me. She prayed for God to breathe new life into my heart of stone and to experience God’s love beyond intellect,” recalled Bryan, reading from his journal. 

Bryan’s church leader (left) encouraged Bryan to write down the words of the prayer minister.

“I was so moved. This was the first time I really understood God’s feelings as a father towards me.” 

The next and final turning point came during a church camp later that year while Bryan was worshipping God. He felt the magnitude of God’s love for him.

“I was reminded of the prayer I made one year ago at the same church camp – for God to give me faith at whatever cost.”

“I did not make the connection while I was struggling but I then realised that God had indeed answered my prayer.

“He brought me through a journey – of trials, sufferings and doubt, where everything I thought I knew and believed in was put to the test in order that my faith may be stronger than ever.

“In this process, God was willing to ache with me, cry with me through my pain and even willing for me to doubt and be angry at Him. 

“This was when I understood how much He loves me.” 

During a course at Tung Ling Bible School in 2024, discussions with like-minded peers and teachers helped Bryan understand that pain is a result of the broken state of people and society.

Bryan (centre) with his small group at Tung Ling Bible School.

Bryan said: “Going through sorrow and doubt did not make me stronger – I could have emerged more bitter and angry. 

“But as I sought God amidst it all, I saw how God allowed suffering to grow my character, strengthen my faith, and reveal his goodness to me and others around me.

“I believe God responded to my hunger to seek Him,” said Bryan, who pointed to the Christian worship song “The More I Seek You” by Kari Jobe.

“While not all my questions were answered intellectually, I saw how everything in my life was consistent with what it says in the Bible and I could therefore put my faith in Jesus and live my life based on this faith.

“I do what I do – study hard, serve in church, care for others – out of my eternal gratitude and love for God,” says Bryan (centre, back row) with his current small group in church.

“I now believe God is who He says He is and has done what He said He has done in the Bible. 

One year on

One year on from recovery, Bryan encourages peers who struggle with mental health to seek help from professionals and, if they are Christians, pastoral counsel: “Seeking help is a form of taking a stand against the disorder. It is a way of saying ‘I will fight for my own mental health.’

Bryan, holding his dog, which he got during his recovery. “He did really help me in my healing journey.”

Bryan was water baptised in April 2024. Photo courtesy of Hope Singapore.

“And pray.

“Let God be the receiver of your questions and complaints. Be vulnerable and honest – God isn’t afraid of our ‘difficult’ questions. Bring yourself to channels of His voice – seek out His Word in the Bible and His people who can encourage you.”

Struggling with suicidal thoughts? 

If you are in a crisis, contact Samaritans of Singapore via: 

24-hour Hotline: 1767

24-hour CareText: 9151 1767 (via WhatsApp)

Call 999 if there is a risk of injury, immediate threat to life or bodily harm (relatives and friends of victims can call as well).

A version of this story first appeared on Stories of Hope.

RELATED STORIES:

He tried to run away, but God taught this ultra-marathoner to run from depression instead

Burnt out so many times he lost count, now he helps others build mental resilience

The post “I felt like I had no right to be depressed”: Former student athlete from elite school who struggled with anxiety appeared first on Salt&Light.